The Marriage Journey; Letting go of your fears

If I were highlight all of the major hurdles of our relationship, I could probably chalk it up to: living together before marriage, assembling Ikea furniture in college, hosting a family party, going to a family party, going on vacation, working together, and decorating choices.

And by now, if you’re in a long term relationship, I’m sure you’ve come across some memorable times that pushed you or your partner’s buttons, but in the least it made you; a little more patient and a little more forgiving of this person you love.

Now, being on the cusp on purchasing our first home, Kevin and I face another hurdle that I know will push both us to some emotional and stressful times (actually we’re already there). After so many of those little hurdles, I began to actually “look forward” to them, as it meant that we’d be better for it. But this time, it’s different.

Fear seemed to creep in and taint everything that was possible with  the concept of buying a home. For Kevin, his fears were mostly legitimate. Is it a good investment? What will this presidency do to affect the market? Will the power lines give me cancer? Will we really get used to the dairy farms that aren’t too far away? Could we afford it along with all our responsibilities to family?

My fears were more emotional. Let me explain:

Meg’s life goals:

Do work I love, take care of my husband, spend quality time with friends and family and have a home of our own.

I want this forever. And the more I can get of each one of those things fuels me to work on the others. The more I feel I have a grasp on one of those things, the more I am inspired to do my best work. So as far as I’m concerned, if one of those is missing; I am not complete. I physically ache at the thought of prolonging the concept of having a home of own and yet, I come to the most substantial crux of my little article.

For all my fear and aching of wanting a home of our own, I have to be okay with letting that possibility go. It’s not easy, but nothing ever worth it is. If I could describe our relationship over the last 9 years, it would be: TESTED.

And we will continue to be tested, over and over and that’s why my fear subsides. I know that we are being tested. I am able to unclench my fists and the cage around my heart. I used to think we deserved a home. But perhaps, we haven’t been tested enough. In our own ways we both broke down to the stress of the fear of “not getting what we want”. But then something great happened.

The way that Kevin and I differ is that I think our ultimate goals are monetary vs. emotional. Yes, I plan to double our income with our second business, and cash flow is always important, but I need to feel certain things about certain things (see above). And like a good husband I know Kevin is always trying to make me happy. I think when I could honest let go of this home, and I told him about it; I think the pressure of my own emotions eased on him. Yes, we both want this; but it was just too much. I was more than happy to say “it’s okay, if we don’t get this, we’ll be okay”.  His response was solemn, thinking, problem solving.

When I walked out of the room, I had let go; and I was truly okay with it.

That night Kevin said to me: “thank for being so supportive and patient throughout this house thing”, and for stupid high-pride Asian reasons I couldn’t express my over-the-moon gratitude for him actually saying that; the bars that were keeping my emotions at bay; literally broke inside me. “thank you for saying that”.

And then he said, “we’re going to make this happen”.