We’re coming up on the holidays, family photo season and now our first year of marriage together. This post has come up, as it seems, out of nowhere. And yet, it’s quite fitting.
Right away, I go to YouTube and play my favorite piece of writing music: “Most Beautiful & Emotional Shiatsu wa Kimi no Uso OST IMO” from “Your Lie in April” a fantastic anime I watched earlier this year.
The photos below are recently inspired from a Netflix series “Too Young to Die”. I learned that Heath Ledger had mountains of his own personal photography that he framed and immortalized just for himself. I noticed that we’re a pair of photographers that don’t photograph our lives. All this fancy equipment and yet we seemed to only create for social media or because we’re paid to. There are so many daily routines that we do in this house and I never stopped to appreciate it with our art.
I’ve always thought about it, never acted on it though. So now, I’m starting to document our lives. This post will be my start to breaking a cycle and to start creating for us. Unaltered and hopefully as honest as I can be.
I feel like I have so much to say, and even with all of my practice, I’m having trouble saying what I mean.
Recently, I’ve been educating myself on coffee. Reading and buying any reasonably priced book on it. Watching every interesting documentary I can find. YouTubing tutorials on frothing, grinding and espressos.
It’s with this love of coffee, I find it to be meditative. Ever since Kevin bought me my first Hario pour over tools, I was entranced in watching coffee bloom from a proper grinder and the perfect temperature.
I didn’t realize it before, but whenever I make coffee, it turns into a bit of a ceremony. A ceremony to reflect and think about my life. I give thanks to simply being able to stand there and watch the water fall after everything we’ve been through. I’m so thankful that the anxiety that used to clutter my mind is quieted by the perfection of this morning ritual.
Coffee and how it gets into your cup in the morning is one hell of a journey and it always reminds me to give thanks to the best thing that’s ever happened to me: my husband.
Like I said, we’re coming up to our first year of marriage and I can barely put down the words to describe my love.
We challenge each other so much, I wonder how this couldn’t have been planned. I wonder at the future we’ll be able to bring out of each other. The character, the drive, the passion, the change. The ability to have our dream become a reality. I marvel at the possibility.
Every day I demand to be loved, supported and cared for; yes I demand it. I do expect a lot and I know that can be exhausting, but I believe we all accept the love we think we deserve. And yet every day he keeps giving more that I expected. Every time he surprises me. He chooses me, even when I sometimes can’t see it. After I closed my business I think I let myself settle, which made me feel disconnected and too tired to reach for my goals, or to even dream.
I can be so impatient for our life together, that ideal life, that dream life. I often struggle with the mental fortitude to choose between counting my blessings versus never settling and remembering my ambition for what we want.
But if one year of marriage and seven years of being together has taught me, it’s that the greater vision for us will always pull me through. The minuscule and minute details of how we get there, is all just one small part of this little adventure. But like I said, it’s hard for me to see that sometimes, to accept that.
And there are so many things to learn, so many variables to consider; but the parallel of this journey is so much like my love for coffee. I see that now. I see that very clearly now.
It’s like creating your own best brew. You can’t have your own version of perfection until you’ve had the education. Until you’ve tasted what’s bad and what’s great. Until you’ve understood the steps, the processes, the hands that have or will contribute to that version of perfection. I’ll take this time to note that my version of perfection, simply isn’t.
I see that you can either lower your expectations and be satisfied with good enough, or you can fiddle with it, you can poke and prod at what’s comfortable, you can be patient, you can bode your time, you can still hope for everything you want.
For me, it’s a sense and being whole, it’s freedom in a place that is mine and his. I’m not sure why I guard this dream so viciously, I’m too selfish to let anyone in on this dream and I wonder if I should feel bad about that. I don’t.
Learning about coffee now, gives me hope that there will always be something to love and feel new about myself, about our marriage and about the life we’ll lead from now on. For now, these photographs and this little dip into the honest feelings I have about this year are on on this page. And while it’s not a perfect depiction of what I mean, for now it’ll do just fine.
A note on the photographs below. Just a few shots of where we spend most of our time. Some eight years ago, Kevin taught me how to shoot for profit, now I want to shoot for us. Nothing was tidied up or moved. It was simply captured just as it was.
All my love,